Phyllis Diller

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"

(Source: Brainyquote)

George Carlin

"The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

(Source: Brainyquote)

Richard Pryor

"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers."

(Source: Brainyquote)

Lily Tomlin

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

(Source: Brainyquote)

Anne Meara

"People never know what's going on while it's happening. You think, during the Renaissance, people called it 'The Renaissance'?"

(Source: Brainyquote)

Carol Channing

"Laughter is much more important than applause. Applause is almost a duty. Laughter is a reward."

(Source: Brainyquote)

Bob Newhart

(Source: Pinterest)

Redd Foxx

"Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone."

(Source: Brainyquote)

Cheech Marin

"The reason we're so dangerous is because we're totally harmless."

(Source: Brainyquote)

Paula Poundstone

"Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas."

(Source: Brainyquote)

Elayne Boosler

"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."

(Source: Brainyquote)

Flip Wilson

"You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine."

(Source: Brainyquote)

George Burns

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."

(Source: Brainyquote)

Jackie Gleason

(Source: Azquotes)

Rodney Dangerfield

(Source: Pinterest)